In the World of Online Dating over 40, When You Assume It Makes Both You and Me…Single
Raise your hand if you can accurately read the minds of your girlfriends. My guess is that, at least for your closest of girlfriends, you actually can.
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- In the World of Online Dating over 40, When You Assume It Makes Both You and MeSingle. Raise your hand if you can accurately read the minds of your girlfriends. My guess is that, at least for your closest of girlfriends, you actually can. Larry and I can read each other's minds at times.
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Larry and I can read each other's minds at times. When you've spent over 10 years with a man you love, and you're paying attention, that happens. (It's not always a good thing, by the way.)
Now, raise your hand if you can accurately read the minds of the men you're dating or have had short relationships with. Anyone?
Okay, now raise your hand if you've tried to read the minds of the men you're dating or have had short relationships with. I bet you have, and I bet you can't.
I bring this up because of something that happened to my friend Jan last week. I think this is a great story of how becoming more aware of your thoughts and actions can make a really nice change in your life. This includes managing the propensity to read men's minds.
Jan, who is online dating over 40, had this meet date…
Jan's on her 'meet date' with a new guy she connected with on Plenty of Fish (www.pof.com). I call it a 'meet date' because it's just that: a way for two people to meet. It's only after this that you decide if you want to go out on a real date.
I think it's important to think of it this way because guess what, many men see it this way. And when they do, it means they may not be in their full-throttle, romantic, wow-the-woman date mode.
Give this some thought. Knowing this may affect your high expectations for these types of dates. But I digress. (What else is new?)
Anyway, Jan and Mr. New Guy are having lunch. They've talked a little, and she thinks he's a nice guy. Her lunch is served along with her iced tea, but the waitress never brings the requisite straw.
Jan and New Guy are sitting just a short distance from a table where straw-o-rama awaits. Jan looks over at that table, looks at Mr. New Guy, and waits for him to get up and get her a straw.
He doesn't.
Online Dating For Over 40
So Jan asks, half joking: 'Hey…aren't you going to get up and get me a straw?' To which Mr. New Guy replies: 'Nope, I was looking forward to watching you walk over there.' A sheepish smile follows.
Okay, so what are you thinking about this guy right now?? Got it? Okay, please read on.
Here's what Jan thought. There were two things about this that really surprised her:
1) It didn't offend her. A year ago she would have considered that rude and sexist and completely inappropriate. She may have even gotten up and left. But she's been working on a handful of changes that are making her a more conscious, graceful, and grownup dater.
I've been coaching Jan, and she's been learning to be more compassionate and less judgmental of men. She's also becoming much more in touch and comfortable with her femininity. She's loving feeling softer and being able to show all aspects of her personality, and the men are definitely responding.
So when Mr. New Guy made his comment and smiled, the woman inside her felt flattered and she was quite tickled.
2) She would never have guessed his reason for not getting up to get her the damn straw.
Jan's old self would have tried to read his mind and instantly assumed either he didn't like her enough to get off his butt to be gentlemanly, or that he was just plain ill-mannered. (Which we all know is a total deal breaker, right ladies?)
'Knowing' he was either of these things would have rung the 'dealbreaker' bell, and off she would have gone. There would have been no redemption. But Jan decided not to assume and to give him a break. Hence, her question of 'Hey…aren't you going to get up and get me a straw?'
The end of the story…
So what happened? Jan returned the sheepish grin, and on the date went — after he went and got her the straw, of course.
Mr. New Guy is now Jan's Mr. Past Guy.
They agreed that it wasn't a match. But her decision had nothing to do with the straw-capade. And since she didn't jump to offense or assume, both Jan and her date left feeling good about themselves and all the better for their next date. (The key to successful dating: practice makes perfect!)
These small changes in attitudes and habits — like accepting you can't read a guy's mind, like giving a guy a break, like getting comfortable with just being yourself — can make all the difference in your search for love and, as a great side benefit, in love of yourself.
Oh! And let me hammer home this advice:
Don't try to figure out what a man is thinking. They think so differently than we do, and you'll be wrong a huge percentage of the time. But you already know that.
These will also help you:
It's never too late to date, however that may not always feel true when it comes to dating in this day and age. Whether you're recently divorced, widowed, or are just finally ready to date again, exploring the big world of online dating can be overwhelming. For some people over 40, going online may not be the most natural or comfortable or familiar way to date, but it seems like it's the only way to meet anyone anymore.
Online Dating Over 40
If you're online dating after 40, here are some helpful tips for how to approach it and have a great time:
Find the right site for you.
An important piece of online dating is choosing the sites or app that works for you. Not everyone is made for Tinder, and Tinder is not made for everyone. There are ample dating apps and websites that will fit your style, your taste, and your interests. Find the right one that works with your dating style and what you're looking for.
Reconsider your type.
Especially if it's been awhile since you've dated, it's important to redefine what you think your type is. You might come across a lot more people than you're used to while online dating. If you dated before and haven't been at it in awhile, you may get overwhelmed with the number of people that there really are when you log on. In the past, did you only date men who had never been married, or didn't have kids? Or did you only go for women who were brunettes? It's important to throw those little things out the window when you're online dating and be open to different types of people. The world can feel a lot bigger online, so getting stuck on something like hair color is not the best approach.
Keep your standards.
That being said, don't lower your standards just because you now have access to so many different kinds of people. It's wonderful if you can strike up a conversation online with someone who owns a dog grooming business even though you consider yourself a cat person, but you don't want to lower your standards on the important stuff. Stay true to what you believe in politically, religiously, and with the major subjects like morals and values. You will come across a lot of people that don't meet your personal standards while online dating—and it's okay to scroll on by.
Try not to get down on yourself.
Are there younger people on dating apps? Yes. Does that mean you don't have a chance? No. Dating data shows that men in their 40s typically match with women who are two years younger than them. So though there are some gender norms at play, that's really not much of an age difference. Likewise, women in their 40s tend to match with men who are three years older. Being over 40 means you have the emotional maturity and life experience that many young people have yet to gain. Other daters are looking for that and looking for you.
Jan, who is online dating over 40, had this meet date…
Jan's on her 'meet date' with a new guy she connected with on Plenty of Fish (www.pof.com). I call it a 'meet date' because it's just that: a way for two people to meet. It's only after this that you decide if you want to go out on a real date.
I think it's important to think of it this way because guess what, many men see it this way. And when they do, it means they may not be in their full-throttle, romantic, wow-the-woman date mode.
Give this some thought. Knowing this may affect your high expectations for these types of dates. But I digress. (What else is new?)
Anyway, Jan and Mr. New Guy are having lunch. They've talked a little, and she thinks he's a nice guy. Her lunch is served along with her iced tea, but the waitress never brings the requisite straw.
Jan and New Guy are sitting just a short distance from a table where straw-o-rama awaits. Jan looks over at that table, looks at Mr. New Guy, and waits for him to get up and get her a straw.
He doesn't.
Online Dating For Over 40
So Jan asks, half joking: 'Hey…aren't you going to get up and get me a straw?' To which Mr. New Guy replies: 'Nope, I was looking forward to watching you walk over there.' A sheepish smile follows.
Okay, so what are you thinking about this guy right now?? Got it? Okay, please read on.
Here's what Jan thought. There were two things about this that really surprised her:
1) It didn't offend her. A year ago she would have considered that rude and sexist and completely inappropriate. She may have even gotten up and left. But she's been working on a handful of changes that are making her a more conscious, graceful, and grownup dater.
I've been coaching Jan, and she's been learning to be more compassionate and less judgmental of men. She's also becoming much more in touch and comfortable with her femininity. She's loving feeling softer and being able to show all aspects of her personality, and the men are definitely responding.
So when Mr. New Guy made his comment and smiled, the woman inside her felt flattered and she was quite tickled.
2) She would never have guessed his reason for not getting up to get her the damn straw.
Jan's old self would have tried to read his mind and instantly assumed either he didn't like her enough to get off his butt to be gentlemanly, or that he was just plain ill-mannered. (Which we all know is a total deal breaker, right ladies?)
'Knowing' he was either of these things would have rung the 'dealbreaker' bell, and off she would have gone. There would have been no redemption. But Jan decided not to assume and to give him a break. Hence, her question of 'Hey…aren't you going to get up and get me a straw?'
The end of the story…
So what happened? Jan returned the sheepish grin, and on the date went — after he went and got her the straw, of course.
Mr. New Guy is now Jan's Mr. Past Guy.
They agreed that it wasn't a match. But her decision had nothing to do with the straw-capade. And since she didn't jump to offense or assume, both Jan and her date left feeling good about themselves and all the better for their next date. (The key to successful dating: practice makes perfect!)
These small changes in attitudes and habits — like accepting you can't read a guy's mind, like giving a guy a break, like getting comfortable with just being yourself — can make all the difference in your search for love and, as a great side benefit, in love of yourself.
Oh! And let me hammer home this advice:
Don't try to figure out what a man is thinking. They think so differently than we do, and you'll be wrong a huge percentage of the time. But you already know that.
These will also help you:
It's never too late to date, however that may not always feel true when it comes to dating in this day and age. Whether you're recently divorced, widowed, or are just finally ready to date again, exploring the big world of online dating can be overwhelming. For some people over 40, going online may not be the most natural or comfortable or familiar way to date, but it seems like it's the only way to meet anyone anymore.
Online Dating Over 40
If you're online dating after 40, here are some helpful tips for how to approach it and have a great time:
Find the right site for you.
An important piece of online dating is choosing the sites or app that works for you. Not everyone is made for Tinder, and Tinder is not made for everyone. There are ample dating apps and websites that will fit your style, your taste, and your interests. Find the right one that works with your dating style and what you're looking for.
Reconsider your type.
Especially if it's been awhile since you've dated, it's important to redefine what you think your type is. You might come across a lot more people than you're used to while online dating. If you dated before and haven't been at it in awhile, you may get overwhelmed with the number of people that there really are when you log on. In the past, did you only date men who had never been married, or didn't have kids? Or did you only go for women who were brunettes? It's important to throw those little things out the window when you're online dating and be open to different types of people. The world can feel a lot bigger online, so getting stuck on something like hair color is not the best approach.
Keep your standards.
That being said, don't lower your standards just because you now have access to so many different kinds of people. It's wonderful if you can strike up a conversation online with someone who owns a dog grooming business even though you consider yourself a cat person, but you don't want to lower your standards on the important stuff. Stay true to what you believe in politically, religiously, and with the major subjects like morals and values. You will come across a lot of people that don't meet your personal standards while online dating—and it's okay to scroll on by.
Try not to get down on yourself.
Are there younger people on dating apps? Yes. Does that mean you don't have a chance? No. Dating data shows that men in their 40s typically match with women who are two years younger than them. So though there are some gender norms at play, that's really not much of an age difference. Likewise, women in their 40s tend to match with men who are three years older. Being over 40 means you have the emotional maturity and life experience that many young people have yet to gain. Other daters are looking for that and looking for you.
Use real and recent pictures.
Over 40 or not, it can be tempting to use a picture where you look younger, fitter, happier, more vibrant; a picture with fewer gray hairs and wrinkles. The truth is, your online dating profile should be a reflection of who you are right now. You may have more smile lines than you used to but that certainly doesn't diminish the fact that you are happy, healthy, and lovelier than ever. Use that picture your best friend snapped over happy hour last week, or the one where you're holding your daughter's hand at her middle school graduation. Use pictures that show the real you in your real life. You are much more likely to attract someone you're interested in if you're being your true self.
Remember, you're not alone.
It's important to remember that you're not the only one who's new to online dating. Online dating and dating apps are not second nature for most people. If you find it awkward or hard to navigate, remember that the people you're matching with and talking to likely feel the same way .
Date a few people.
If you find yourself chatting with more than one person (even on more than one dating website), don't feel like you have to limit yourself. It's absolutely okay to meet up with a few different people and see who you have the best vibe with. It may be out of your comfort zone to line up multiple dates over a few weeks, but you're already trying something new with online dating. Leaning into it and having the full experience is worth it.
Set a date.
Speaking of dating a few people, one of the most important parts of online dating is actually setting a date to meet in person. Often times, people will end up chatting for weeks without ever making a plan. That's a surefire way for the initial chemistry to sizzle. If you like someone, reach out and suggest meeting up for a drink or dinner.
Pick the right place.
When you do finally set that first date, make sure you're picking a place that makes sense for you, or agreeing to meet at a place you feel comfortable in. It may be tempting to meet somewhere young and fresh, but if you think you'll feel out of place and uncomfortable, it may not be the best first date of your life. It's okay to pick a quieter bar on a Thursday night rather than a raucous one on a Saturday. Be true to yourself and the date will go that much smoother.
Make the first move.
Nobody wants to make the first move, but if you don't put yourself out there, online dating will be much harder. If you're shy it may be unfamiliar to send the first message or suggest the first date or offer up your phone number first, but someone has to do it. It might as well be you! Online dating can be clunky and strange at first, but if you put yourself out there and show your interest, you'll meet someone great. So be bold! You deserve it.
Online dating certainly seems like the way of the future. If you're over 40 and new to the big world of internet dating, welcome. Once you get the hang of it, you'll even find yourself having a little fun.
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